For some reason, I have been trying to draw for the last four hours, along with reading "The Vampire Lestat" instead of doing my thesis.

And I have lost it.

I'm quite sure that as artists, you also have frustrations. Not being able to accurately translate that vision in your head into lines, logically proportioned and beautiful body parts to create that magnificent masterpiece

that will only exist in your mind.

It is this inability to express the beauty or feeling, the details, the colors that frustrates me so to the point of even asking myself

Why the hell do I draw? If it's clear enough that I can't ever capture even a single vision I have ever conceptualized or perceived since my brain has functioned?

It's true. Never in my whole fucking life have I ever drawn anything that resembled my visions the slightest. It's awkward and it's disgusting me.

Despite this great frustration, I shall never turn my back on art, or anything human-made. I know, I hate humans and am actually thinking that genocide may be the answer to a lot of the world's problems, but I appreciate deeply the vastness of human capability. And what best representation of this but art? Art of the old times, art of the now. Movies, shows, 2-dimensional art, music. Everything that was just made from mere imagination or perception from a certain experience.

Everything ART just amazes me.

I must be sounding schizophrenic by now. But I'm sure many of you may have felt this kind of frustration before. This feeling actually explains why I have never been uploading drawings recently. Everything just turns out ... less than the 'mediocre' of my expectations.

And surprisingly, I can't get myself to sleep without doing anything thesis-related (which is a miracle) so good-bye, reader!


+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++




+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Just took the JLPT lvl4 exam!!!

And Mr. E. Mojica is the best proctor EVAR! @_@

I love him already.



I also saw Mai-sensei (again. met her last Fri reading One Piece at the JFLib)with another Japanese teacher. I also saw Uchiyama-sensei but was too shy to approach. hahhahahaha.

WEll,,, what can I say



It was fun. I just hope I pass ^^

and taking the test made me realize that I really want to try my luck in Japan. but not as a skilled worker, as an entertainer, nor as a caregiver - because I lack the skill in any of those fields. I respect the people who represent this demographic though.

I hope that by some miracle, I'd be able to get a job in PR or in some diplomatic institution or something. Some organization that can use my OrComm skills.

So, I'm planning to take N4, N3, and N2. not N1. maybe. ^^ I need a fucking license for something I can use in my profession (i still don't have one lol)

This is what happens when a course doesn't have boards or bar exams - career confusion.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++




+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

and that I'm also receptive to physiological pain!!!

I have been too EMO these past months that I totally forgot about, say


brushing my teeth on time? regularly?

now, I have this recurring MAJOR TOOTHACHE that makes watching beating heart surgery in the morning totally painless.

WAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! CAVITIES! MY ULTIMATE ENEMY!!!!

but this way, I'm reverting back to my OC tooth-brushing. about 3-4 minutes of brushing at a time 8D

Then I did some research on home remedies for toothache and read that eating onions helps in killing bacteria and therefore somehow alleviates the pain.

I ate a whole raw onion today. That was in the afternoon. My mouth... still smells good. Like beef stake-good.

After dinner, I brushed my teeth and gargled with Bactidol. I wasn't able to pour it carefully into the glass so I filled more than I was expected to gargle. Then I stupidly added water, making the volume double.

I had to gargle approx 10 times just to consume all of the stuff. My tongue has gone numb and the tooth ache is STILL THERE. (and the onion smell)

And everytime people IMd me, I always told them that my tooth hurt. It mattered. I couldn't do anything AT ALL. not even read properly.

I need to go to the dentist. It has been more than a year since I visited for any repairs/cleaning, as my sister's teeth were the priority (braces, etc)

I've neglected my teeth once again! I'd be a bad mother!!!


On other matters, I still like my college crush THAT MUCH that I see him everywhere I look. hahaha. delusional!

Oh! And I also miraculously read Kafka's The Metamorphosis in one sitting! Miracle! It was too cool a story to pass!


+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++




+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

do I love crying?

I don't but that happens a lot recently. well, fuckit.

on a brighter note, no, there isn't a brighter note.

I have been so inactive these past weeks. I've only done 1 watercolor piece that I haven't scanned yet, and I have done nothing significant with my thesis.

And I haven't studied for the JLPT that much. I also haven't been showing my face in anime cons or events. and I've been itching for months to actually go again, in cosplay, but the lack of funds and resources, and the negative image my parents perceive about it do not help.

The year is drawing to an end, and I'm still a stagnant little piece of shit.

IT'S JUST MY FUCKING THESIS. Just a thesis. WTF. WHY? I've passed all other subjects without ever retaking them, but what about this piece of little ' proof' of one's academic competence?

I hate the system.

But that doesn't mean I can stop the system.


I'll just do what I freakin' have to do. I need some inspiration to live another nauseating day. I have to go to school again later. I hate going to school! I hate seeing my adviser! but I don't have a choice. That's the only way I have to finish my 'education'. I hate you, UPM!!!

<sigh>

Our lives: work our asses off during school -> graduate -> get a job -> become a corporate slave -> earn too little as usual -> save up just enough for a vacation in Europe after a late retirement.

We are bound to sadness, bitches!


+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++




+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Whaaa~~~

So funnnn

Today, I dropped by Japan Foundation's Library to have some JLPT reviewers photocopied. Then the kind Ate at the counter told me to join the Oshaberi Salon if I wanted to. I was all giddy and it would bore me to death if I just did my stuff alone, so I tried talking to them.

I only got to talk to Kaori and Jerome. Kaori's a Japanese girl who looks my age but is actually older (amazing, rly) and Jerome's a Mapua graduate who's sooo good in Japanese, he is already level 1 in the JLPT!

There, we had fun playing Pinoy henyo Japanese and English version! Then, Kaori-san also gave us some kandies (ume ame and ringo ame) because it was her birthday.

Jerome went home ahead of us, and Kaori and I left the library when it was closing at 6pm. She helped me photocopy stuff. She's so friendly, I wanna cry...

This was also the first time I spoke Japanese this much! Unbelievable!

I'm coming back tomorrow. hahah!!! XD


+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++




+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++